DBGB
The Beerlord decided to spend his Saturday night at the new gourmet beer
and sausage restaurant, DBGB. While the food was quite excellent, The Beerlord
only consumes food to provide proof of his mortality to those suspecting otherwise.
I was there for the beer.
I was very excited to see Brooklyner-Schneider Hopfen-Weisse on tap and equally disappointed when they brought it out. A (The) Hopfen-Weisse is meant to be
served in a Hefeweizen glass, not a 250ml tulip. The shape strangled the breath
and altered the nose such that it resembled a hopped-up tripel. And it cost $15.
I got a full, proper pour at Amsterdam Ale House for $8 just two weeks earlier.
Strike One.
Then I ordered a Reissdorf Kölsh. This was, not surprisingly, brought out in a
450ml glass designed for ales. RK must, must, MUST be served in small Kölsh
glasses or every bit of the fresh subtly of its flavor is lost. And it was.
Strike Two.
Perusing the bottle list (which, in all fairness, did have some unique selections)
I came across an old favorite of The Beerlord’s – Orval. They described this Trappist
as being a “fun beer”. Fun? Do you think the monks at Orval describe their beer
as “amusé”? They don’t. Never to The Beerlord, anyway. And based on the
evening’s previous selections, I’m guessing they weren’t going to bring it out in a
goblet. They would probably give this classic its “fun” character by pouring it into
a mini-beer-bong.
Strike Three.
Is The Beerlord being too harsh? What my reader needs to know is that DBGB
is not just a bar, it is Daniel Boulud’s new restaurant that is desperately trying to
scream WE KNOW BEER! From making sure that every major beer region and style
is represented to providing notes for each selection, DBGB is constantly painting
themselves as the living proof that beer is just as eclectic and complex as wine. Unfortunately, in their hurry to reach the top they ignored the importance of
serving the beer in the proper glassware. All-in-all, your beer palate and wallet
would be better served by walking 5 blocks north to Jimmy’s 43.
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Soon
Procrastination is a flaw of The Beerlord that he has been meaning to deal with
for quite some time now. My Blog has recently fallen victim to this problem and
while I’ve had many excellent ideas, I have continually swept them under the
rug to deal with more important matters such as rearranging my beer glasses,
going urban spelunking at Circuit City and comparing the number of sheets
between toilet paper brands. Charmin. Just in case you were curious.
So I am here today to provide my comments on the following three matters to
hopefully make up for my laziness:
- TV OR NOT TV
- WHITE SNAKE ALE
- MY GOODNESS, WHOSE GUINESS?
Well, at least that was the plan, but I ran out of time. I’ve got to see a bad film
this morning and then head to a barbeque. And if I’m going to a party, then I
have to fill a growler. But where? Rattle? New Beer Distributors? Blind Tiger?
Perhaps a walk through the park will help me make up my mind. It is a very
nice day out, after all. Guess I’ll have to write those blogs later.
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Oh, The Irony . . .
Nothing makes The Beerlord happier than the opening of a new beer bar. That
was the first reason his Friday evening jaunt to The Pony Bar (horrible name)
was so enjoyable. The second reason? Great beer from The Bruery, Left Hand,
Sixpoint etc. The part I didn’t like? The marketing.
The bar’s motto is “All American Craft Beer”. Every beer in the bar’s 20 taps and
2 casks is, in fact, an American craft beer. Now don’t get me wrong; The Beerlord
has been quite excited about the craft beer scene since it emerged in the mid-80s.
America ranks third on my list behind a seasonal summer/winter split tie between
Germany and Belgium respectively. (Don’t worry, I wrote that sentence and I’m
not even sure what it means. But I digress.)
Alright. So we’ve got the motto, an American flag on the wall and even tee shirts
for sale with the Sunday Comic Slogan “F*%# Imports” scrawled on the back.
However, the two bottles they sell are Bud/Bud Light. Get the problem?
Everyone (and I do mean one) that regularly reads my blog knows that Budweiser
is owned by the international conglomerate InBev. So if Pony is attempting patriotism
by its beer selection, they fail miserably by supporting the Cylons of the beer world.
If they are bragging as to the quality of beers originated in America, they also fail
because Bud sucks (and isn’t even craft). In the end, the sale of Bud at the bar is in complete contradiction with its theme.
Point being, if you’re going to pound your chest about America, then follow through.
Need a traditional American beer that is still made here? Stock some PBR. Lite Beer?
Sam Adams, maybe. I don’t know. They all suck.
That said, their confused message doesn’t change the fact that Pony is a Beerlord
worthy bar. The Beerlord highly recommends dropping by for a Black Orchard (Mmm!)
next time you’re in Hell’s Kitchen.
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Beer WARs lie
Many of my minions have been inquiring whether I intend to attend the Beer Wars screening hosted by Ben Stein this Thursday. The answer is no.
While The Beerlord is quite excited about the film, a documentary showing how
the micro-breweries of America were able to overcome the repression of the large
beer corporations, it is Mr. Stein he intends to avoid. You see, Ben Stein (BS for short)
isn’t going to tell you the whole story. BS doesn’t believe in lambics.
I was sitting in Deep Throat (one of the lesser known bars in town) when BS comes in
and orders a Brooklyn Lager. Turning to The Beerlord, BS declared with his dry-eyes
drone, “Thank God man designed beer.”
Dare I? A refreshing sip of my Cantillon Gueze demanded a retort. “Well, I’m not
quite sure man exactly designed beer, at least not initially. The first beers made
thousands of years ago just kind of happened. The yeasts that cause beer’s
fermentation were not added by design, they floated through the atmosphere and
attacked the wort naturally. This process is still used by brewers of lambics. The
gueze I am drinking is a type of lambic.”
BS went into a long rant about how lambic fermentation occurring naturally is a myth propagated by the liberal biases of scientists, historians and the educated in general. Instead, 6000 years ago the first lambic was created by the intelligent design of the
Original Brewer. He read it in a book written without myth or bias.
The Beerlord had learned enough from this brief discussion to know that Mr. Stein was
more than a little bit crazy and his presence at the screening might drain some of the
film’s appeal. That said, The Beerlord highly recommends all fans of beer to see Beer
Wars – just wait until the BS clears.
Beerlord & taylor
Though he probably should have known better from a previous disappointment
(De Beers), The Beerlord decided to enter another intriguingly named shop on
5th Avenue. It turned out, however, Lord & Taylor was just a schmaltzy
department store filled to the brim with perfume, mirrors and old ladies. Deciding
to look on the bright side of the locale (the mirrors), The Beerlord started wandering
the joint. Unfortunately, the music seeping through the store ruined his opportunity
for important self-reflection.
The Beerlord quite likes music and the last good song that he heard is often one
of the many things always going on inside of his head. While he has a talent for
blocking out bad tunes, there is one hole in that shield: covers. In this case, a
failed female new-age vocalist crooning “When Doves Cry.”
The problem is that I like Prince, but I hate softened versions of great songs.
Now don’t get me wrong, that woman’s voice was not in my head. It’s always
me singing the songs. The problem is I’m not sure whether I’m emulating Prince
or Kelly Clarkson on a truth serum. Must be legit.
The Beerlord resolved his worries by running Raspberry Beret through his iPhone
while walking a bit too leisurely to the new BXL.
MACRO BEERS
Sitting in The House of Beers on 46th and 9th, The Beerlord saw a new term on
his menu. To contrast with the micros and to classify/justify the placement of bud,
miller, etc. on the menu, the category of Macro Beer has been created. Ah, the
power of the words.
Note this is not merely an attempt to cover up something bad by manipulating
language to make it sound good. This method of smoothing over the truth has
long been in effect. For example, one could describe America’s current economic
troubles through such phrases as:
- Prioritization of Quantity over Quality in Stock Purchases
- Implementation of Full Employee Freedom
- Promises of Future Aid to China.
The Macro Beer phrase takes this methodology a step further. It attempts to
elevate the eclipsed to the same level as the product that surpassed it. Examples
of these rewordings could be:
- Fuel-Extravagant Cars
- Calorie-Fulfilling Meals
- Retro-Quality Display TVs
In truth, I really don’t mind about the Macro Beer thing. Either you like that shit
or you don’t; something a new label won’t change. The Beerlord merely feels the
duty to complain. This task accomplished, I put down my pen and finished off my
fifth Brooklyn Blunderbuss Ale in preparation for exodus. While giving the world a
prolonged wink, I walked in a calorie-burning pattern and paid homage to the
owner’s excellent job of glass cleaning on the way out. Ah, the power of words.
Got a question or something you want The Beerlord to comment on? Send it toby@beerlord.com and he might just do that.
ROOSEVELT ISLAND
As The Beerlord of New York City, I have a duty to search high & low for great
beer bars. My travels recently took me to Roosevelt Island. This trip was definitely
on the “low” end of the searching.
I followed my nose through the apartments, hospitals and rubble eagerly seeking
a source of suds on the island. My eyes locked on a small pizza spot with a sign
on the door proudly declaring “Beer on Tap!” Beer is a word that is used lightly
and my nose hadn’t picked up any strong signals, so I was very apprehensive.
The “beer” was Blue Moon and the “tap” consisted of a Styrofoam cooler with a
nozzle peaking out of it. As island beer bars go, my guess is that Gilligan and
The Skipper would have done better by setting up a leaf-hut and running fermented
coconut milk through bamboo shoots into half-shell chalices. I passed on the BM
and hopped on the tramway back to 60th and 2nd. Maybe the new BXL has opened . . .
A TAX ON BEER?!?
Dear Governor Paterson:
Let me start by saying that The Beerlord doesn’t normally get involved in politics.
I haven't dipped my foot in the puddle of public affairs since talking my buddy FDR
into repealing prohibition. However, now you are proposing a tax on beer and it
looks like The Beerlord is going to have to dust off his advocate cap.
Why, sir? Why beer? Have the housewives taken to the street demanding a
reinstitution of the Volstead Act? Is diet soda your beverage of choice? Do we
live in Utah?
My research into the subject revealed that this is all part of a larger tax on sins.
What!!! Are you saying beer is a sin? The Trappist Monks don’t think so and if
you’ve tasted their beers you would agree. My guess is you’ve only had Bud Light
and, well, that is a sin.
So Mr. Governor, if you are looking to tax true sins then might I suggest a 5%
increase in income taxes for anyone who cheats on their spouse. I think we all
know why that was left off.
Sincerely,
The Beerlord
Got a question or something you want The Beerlord to comment on? Send it toby@beerlord.com and he might just do that.
The year of the beerlord
The Beerlord’s premonitions about the contents of his fortune cookie are rarely
wrong. Before even breaking the malformed wafer open, The Beerlord can sense
that he “will be sharing great news with the people he loves” or that “life is too
short to hold grudges” or that he “should really consider selling his 2000 shares
of BSMLX prior to close.” So it was with no small degree of shock when my
premonitions failed me and the cookie’s contents spelled out that 2009 is
The
Year of The Beerlord.
Of course, that fact was declared on the other side of the generic message that
some live their lives by. This cookie’s fortune, as I has expected, was that “There
is going to be a 95% off sale at The Gap tomorrow.” The Year of The Beerlord was
declared on the Chinese Zodiac side along with my lottery numbers and the time
I should pick up my dry cleaning.
Wrapping the precious white scroll between two-halves of a broken toothpick, I
rushed to the library to begin my research on the Chinese Zodiac. Upon reading
that 2008 was The Year of The Rat, I gained no small degree of faith in the
system. However, The Rat is normally followed by the Ox, so why not this year?
Apparently, legend has it that the Ox planned on retiring 2010 years after the
death of some important guy and would pass the torch on to whomever he was
drinking with on New Year’s Eve. Thinking back to the 31st, my memory latched
on to the bathroom at Rattle and the large “man” on all fours with a nose ring
and 2009 glasses. Hmmm, I guess it is The Year of The Beerlord.
As I handed over $3.50 for 2 pairs of Gap jeans, it all-of-a-sudden struck me;
2010 years doesn’t add up. Oh well, I thought, you can’t believe everything
you read.
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The most important beer event of 2008 was ....
The launch of Beerlord.com, of course. Did you even really need to ask?
X-8: InBev buys Bud-weis-er
In a transaction that redefined mixed feelings for The Beerlord, international
conglomerate InBev purchased Anheuser-Busch. Wow. I mean where do I begin?
I have no doubt that my readers know about the ubiquitous Bud and the
completely “drinkable” Bud Light through, if nothing else, the power of advertising.
The Beerlord isn’t alone in having his dreams haunted by images of beechwood-aged
frogs screaming “WASSSUP!” What it isn’t is great beer. If you’re just drinking to
get drunk, might I recommend Vodka. It’s lower in calories, higher in alcohol and
doesn’t taste like beer either.
So where are the mixed feelings about the acquisition? Well, The Beerlord likes
InBev even less. InBev is the result of a merger of Interbrew and AmBev, Belgian
and South American conglomerates respectively. AmBev held several crappy
South American beers and Interbrew held some pretty good European beers
including Leffe, Stella Artois, Boddingtons, Beck’s and Hoegaarten.
One of InBev’s first acts was to move the Hoegaarten brewery away from the city
of Hoegaarten to the more advanced Jupiler brewery, leaving behind the specialized
yeast that made the beer what it was. The incident serves as a good example of
InBev’s business-first, beer-second attitude that has brought about The Beerlord’s
complete boycott of all their brews.
The formation of Anheuser-Busch InBev (or ABIB according to The Beerlord)
creates the world’s largest beer conglomerate. Layoffs ensued shortly thereafter
with 1000+ workers getting axed in St. Louis, Missouri alone. ABIB is the antithesis
of a company making beer for the love of the product, something which I believe
existed in one form or another at Anheuser-Busch. After all, there is someone for everyone.
The final kicker is the marketing campaign launched since the merger. TV ads
with American farmers talking about their contribution to the product, subway
posters with the slogan “The Great American Lager” proudly displayed and the
release of their not-too-bad American Ale. The Beerlord, while not incredibly patriotic,
finds this false flag-waiving to be downright stomach-churning.
In the end, the formation of ABIB amounts to a very sad X-8th most important beer
event for 2008.
X = Space beer
One of The Beerlord’s favorite parts of December is the best-of-the-year lists.
Top-ten-records, top-ten-movies, a list of the ten-best-top-ten-lists and so on.
Beerlord.com is doing a list of the top X beer events of the year. Why X? I’m
not sure I’ll get to ten.
Anyway, the Xth biggest beer event of 2008 was Space Beer. Sapporo, in
conjunction with the Russian Academy of Science and Okayama University in
Japan, grew some barley on the International Space Station and brought it home
to make beer. In order to taste this quite limited batch you had to win a lottery
and get your ass out to Japan. The Beerlord lost.
In the end I doubt I missed anything. Space Beer is kind of like sending an
American Greetings card; nice thought, but it probably sucks. Nevertheless, the
novelty alone definitely made it the Xth most important beer event of 2008.
Stay tuned for X-1. X-1th?
Got a question or something you want The Beerlord to comment on? Send it toby@beerlord.com and he might just do that.
Politic
I am really not sure why my bid for the Senate failed. Beerlord? Politics? Well, it
was the first mistake I’ve made.
It all started one week ago. The Beerlord was bellied up at d.b.a. when the guy
to his left started going on about how politicians had all the money, women and
power. Sounded pretty good to The Beerlord. How do I get a piece of this?
“It’s not what you know, but who you know” came the retort. I got excited!
I know The Beerlord! I announced my self-awareness to the d.b.a. drunk and
began laying plans. But before I even finished deciding on half of my cabinet
members, he challenged my authority. “And what makes you so powerful?”
came the demand.
“The Beerlord is the most powerful person in the world because he knows
The Beerlord (the most powerful person in the world) and it’s all about who you
know.” My advisor told me my reasoning was circular, I told him he needed to
think outside the box and fired him on the spot. Perhaps the far end of the bar
would provide better guidance.
Glancing down, I saw a man hurriedly downing scotch after scotch. His skin was
pasty and his hair looked liked he was using a furry beaver’s tail as a comb-over.
That had to be a politician. Introducing myself as The Beerlord, I asked if that
would be enough to gain a position of power, sex and cash. “Nothing’s free, man,
but for the right price I can hook you up with a Senate seat.”
After my experience with donating funds for the evacuation of wealthy Nigerian
royalty, I was hesitant, but still willing to listen. “We can’t talk here, though,”
beaver-hair-man continued, pointing at the d.b.a. web-cam, “I’ll give you a call
on my home landline – it’s safe.”
Anyway, I never did hear from that guy. It’s a shame, because I know that the
case of Westvleterin 12 The Beerlord would send his way would have been enough
to get me on a plane to Illinois.
Got a question or something you want The Beerlord to comment on? Send it toby@beerlord.com and he might just do that.
SWA
Air Travel is getting more and more expensive these days and it’s the micro-charges
that are killing The Beerlord. $30 to check bags, $15 for pillow usage and $12 for
access to the oxygen mask should there be an unexpected drop in cabin pressure.
Despite these increasing burdens, I have always been more than happy to pay $10
for my whole-grain breakfast of Schneider Weisse. So you can imagine my shock
upon learning this “Airline” did not have any.
When I discussed this heinous omission with my gruff steward, he retorted that
normal people do not have hefeweizen for breakfast. In response I pointed out
that Michael Phelps has one at the crack of dawn everyday and he was even
going to be the spokesperson for the brand until George Schneider saw how silly
his legs looked. The Beerlord was George’s second choice, but I would not shave
my entire body no matter how many seconds it bettered my time in the 300m
backstroke. He was going to check with The Jonas Brothers next, but I said I
wasn’t sure how that panned out.
So, I concluded, despite the brewery's poor first and third choices for spokespersons,
this airline should definitely offer a morning Schneider Weisse. The steward looked
down his moustache, told me I was full of shit and asked if I wanted a $4 bag of nuts.
I declined and, in silent protest of the poor service, left my approved portable
electronic devices on during landing.
The Beerlord Goes to a Sample Sale
After recently learning that monk’s robes were no longer in fashion, The Beerlord
decided he needed to expand his wardrobe. Accompanied by one of his most stylish
minions, he hit a Sample Sale at Chelsea Market to sample their wares. Success
was not to be found.
The first piece of clothing I looked at was a Projek Raw hooded sweatshirt smeared
with warnings of the reality and effects of global warming. The irony of placing
these messages on thermal apparel was apparently lost on the designer. Wouldn’t
a Hawaiian shirt or sleeveless tee been more appropriate? The potential for small
talk about my shirt’s inadvertent conflict between medium and message was not
enough to overcome the fact it was ugly and I decided to investigate other items.
Armani was the next brand; a fact they did not want you to miss. Prominently
displayed on each and every one of their shirts were the words “Armani Exchange”.
I am not above shameless self-promotion, but the when technique is utilized by
clothing designers it becomes a circle of pointless self-degradation. Here’s what is communicated:
(1) These clothes are from Armani.
(2) They are crap.
(3) Do not go to Armani because their clothes are crap.
Not adequate replacements for my robes.
Before I was able to investigate a third item, my minion returned with an armful
of outfits and we proceeded to check out. Luckily, I knew of a better location. We
headed straight for BXL and each had a beer flight. Now that’s the kind of sampling
The Beerlord can enjoy.
The Beer World
A temporary blip interrupted The Beerlord's Saturday night fun at Radegast Hall.
Complete with lighting, a camera and someone to tell them what to talk about,
the cast of the Red Hook Real World were showing just how cool they were by
hanging in Williamsburg. I arrived at the tail end of the silliness, just in
time to watch a pair of them simulate the most recent UFC match and get
thrown out by security. Everyone was happy to see them go. The experience
did stir another emotion in me, though, one of regret. You see, The Beerlord
had come up with the idea first.
The year was 1991 and I had just launched The Beerlord FTP site. After
considering Doom levels, Nirvana lyrics and naughty pictures, I decided the
most interesting thing to put up for download was The Beerlord. But how
would I capture me? Having just purchased a shoebox-sized video camera
(how small could these things get!) I decided I would film every moment of
my life and sell 10-second intervals of it on the site. The problem was I had
no idea what a pain I was to work with.
Here I was trying to film the life of The Beerlord and he didn't want to be
filmed. I tried to talk it through with myself, but I just wouldn't listen. My
only option was to start a union. I formed the Anti-Beelord Alliance (AA for short)
and posted fliers about our first meeting to be held in the basement of a church
on Fifth Street.
A lot more people showed up for the AA meeting than I had expected. Before
I could even begin the fundraising effort for our inflatable rat, the other
members began to speak. One by one they stood up and told just how long
it had been since they'd had a beer. Tears welled up in my eyes. I snuck out the
back determined to end their sadness by breaking their dry spell.
At first they all politely refused the Rochefort 10s I had brought back, but I could
tell they really wanted them. After a bit of coaxing they all gave in and grabbed
a brew. It turned out that they were the most unpleasant group of drinkers I'd
ever been around. Stories about troubled childhoods, broken marriages and lost
jobs flew like the punches at Radegast. When one woman started crying about
how she had smothered her goldfish, Thing 3, by falling asleep on him, I decided
union life wasn't for me. Of course without the union, I had no leverage against
myself and the whole project was trashed. All the money made by MTV could
have been mine, but it was not to be. At least I hadn't bought the rat yet.
PITAS and pumkins
We all know them and we all have to deal with them: PITAs. What is a PITA?
PITAs are people with a Pickle In Their Ass.
The life of a PITA centers around making sure nobody knows about the pickle.
They do this mostly through perfect personal polishing and an endless barrage
of name-dropping. The best defense when dealing with a PITA is to out-drop
them.
Being The Beerlord, I have know many people through the centuries and can
ramble more monikers than any PITA. To save time I began printing cards with
my list of names and handing them to the dreaded pickle-bearers. This method
worked until I was presented with the dilemma of whether to put God or Nietzsche
on the card. They both wouldn't fit. I decided it was best to just scrap the whole
card thing and just nod with a blank stare at the PITA while he began the assault.
Anyway, The Beerlord is commenting on this because he met a PITA last Thursday.
Actually there was a pumpkin in his ass, so I guess he kind of deserves his own
title. Too bad they both start with "P".
Got a question or something you want The Beerlord to comment on? Send it toby@beerlord.com and he might just do that.
Michelob: Crafting Better Bullshit
Michelob recently introduced its own line of craft beers. Ads smeared through
the subways try to tempt the beer drinker to these supposedly eclectic selections.
The Beerlord didn't grab a six-pack.
To me, it's kind of like McDonalds introducing a line of gourmet food. The Beerlord
would be more than a bit skeptical of the McFois Gras value meal with tater tots
and a wine cooler. Besides, I wouldn't brave the protestors just to sample it.
Of course, the true target of this line is not the beer aficionado, but Michelob's
current customers. Thing is, I just don't think anyone who would consider naming
their daughter "Nascara" would even like an IPA. The added hops will only leave
him searching for the born-on dating label to see just how badly it's spoiled. He
wants his lite beer and he wants it now!
That said - if Michelob wants to post advertisements on my site I will remove this
blog. If the price is right, The Beerlord will ALWAYS sellout.
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